The Worst Christmas Eve Ever

This Christmas Eve was our worst on record.  It started at 9:30 when I left the house to take my oldest to the on-call pediatrician where she was diagnosed with strep.  It ended with me not getting home until 4:30 that afternoon.  I made three separate trips to the doctor who diagnosed 3 of our 6 kids with strep, waited in lines of two different pharmacies including COSTCO ON CHRISTMAS EVE all while Brian was at work, and had a minor Emily-style freakout towards the end from sheer exhaustion.  (My kids have actually written a song about my freakouts.  Even my 1-year-old sings it.)

In relief society on Sunday our lesson was called Through Christ I Can Do All Things.  The Relief Society President asked us to think of ways Christ has strengthened us during our trials.  Christmas Eve was the hardest day I've had in a long time so it's a good little case study.  

1.  The Hat.

Brian and I have always filled stockings for each other.  Every year, I give Brian something to put on his BYU tree he keeps in his office at the bank.  As I was standing in line at the Costco pharmacy, I realized I'd never picked up anything BYU for his stocking this year.  I felt a little sad but it's been the craziest December and I knew he'd understand so I brushed it off.  As we edged toward the front of the line I turned my head to the right and there, on top of the soap, was a men's BYU hat.  I elbowed Natalie and we both stared at it for a moment.  "Dad would love that," Natalie said.  I completely agreed, and even though were weren't there to shop, and we'd never have made it down the aisles with how crowded it was but we made an exception for this special purchase that was sitting directly in our path.  He did love it and he's worn it every day since.  I didn't think he even needed a new one but he told me later he'd noticed his "nice" hat had just barely started needing to be replaced.  

2. The Lotion.

There was one other item I selected from my spot in the Costco Pharmacy line.  It was truly the most random item I have ever purchased.  It was a 3-pack of a face cream called Egyptian Magic.  It was freakin' $30.  I know people spend a lot on face cream, but not me.  And it was Christmas Eve, not really the time to be buying something for myself.  I couldn't even begin to explain why I actually went through with this ridiculous purchase.  It just felt like I needed it.  

I went home and read up on Egyptian Magic to see if it was worth all the hype.  Reviewers raved about it for all sorts of skin problems.  Made of all natural ingredients like bee pollen and olive oil and all that wholesome stuff.  It can fix anything.... weird dry patches, unexplained rashes, those kinds of things.  You can use it as a night cream too if you don't mind that it's a little greasy.   I set it aside and forgot about it until I stuck the medium-sized jar in my bag to take to California.  

On my way out of town the day after Christmas, we stopped by our neighbor's house.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer two months before but we'd only barely found out.  We'd been trying to stop by all week with a gift for her but this was the first time she'd answered the door.  We stepped inside the door and chatted while our kids waited in the car.  Her husband was with her and we had a good heart-to-heart about the whole thing.  

As we were leaving I asked if she still had all her hair.  She took off her hat and revealed her beautiful bald head.  Except on the back, she showed me, she had a few weird dry patches and unexplained rashes.  "I have something for you." I ran out to my car to grab that jar of Egyptian Magic that was meant for her all along.  

3. The Cinnamon Rolls.

The night before Christmas Eve, we'd attended our first ever Christmas sing-a-long.  Five families got together and sang Christmas songs.  It was a fabulous idea.... until I realized we'd just exposed all of those families to Strep.  I called the hostess and explained the situation.  She was so sweet about the whole thing and told me she'd let the other families know.  (None of them ended up getting it.)  Then she brought over a plate of her famous cinnamon rolls, which we used for Christmas breakfast.  I wasn't up for making the ones I usually make so it really lifted my spirits to have something to serve on Christmas morning.  Nothing has ever tasted so good.  

4.  Christmas Day.

Christmas is usually a day we see extended family, but this year we were totally quarantined for at least 24 hours.  (And we still didn't know if the other 3 kids were going to get sick so we were very cautious about who we came in contact with.)  That was also the day of the amazing snowstorm.  With nowhere to go all day and not a single obligation, we played in the snow for hours.  We'd gotten the kids all new gloves and snow gear so we could go sledding but we ended up just playing on our street without a care in the world.  That day was a gift in itself.  (Until I had to think of something to make for Christmas dinner and all the stores were closed.)

5. My Grandpa.

My freakout on Christmas Eve had everything to do with my grandpa.  We were heading to California because he hadn't been doing the best and I really, really wanted to see him.  When the kids were dropping like flies with the most contagious illness I know, I almost lost it.  He is so fragile right now, even a simple cold could send him to the hospital.  It was too much for my heart to take and that was when I really started praying.  Please let me see my grandpa.  

I explained the situation to the doctor and asked if I could get a "just in case" prescription for the other three children for if they started showing symptoms but she said no.  And our doctor doesn't prescribe antibiotics without seeing the child in person and getting a positive strep test, so we were really going to have problems if they got sick while we were traveling across two states.  

We have been sick with strep and various colds all through Christmas break and even still today, but the one day we were all healthy was Tuesday, the day we saw my grandpa.  He hugged each of the kids and there was not a sniffle to be heard from any of them.  

This Christmas Eve was definitely the worst on record, but I was never alone for any of it.  "Faith is knowing that good will come, no matter what happens."  That is what I know to be true and how I know that even the hard things in my life can be turned into good.  

A Cat Named Howard

I've been reminiscing tonight about my all-time worst visiting teaching moment.  It happened just over 5 years ago, and I can't remember the names of anyone involved except the cat.  This is the story as I wrote it in 2010:

 I was visiting a sister I knew fairly well who was contemplating a move.  They were offered the chance to rent a gorgeous 6,000 square foot home in Holliday, minutes from her husband's work, for less rent than they were paying on their medium-sized home.  It was an unbelievable opportunity.   But they couldn't accept right away because they were waiting for word on whether or not they would be allowed to bring their cat.

Let me tell you about this cat.  His name is Howard.  He is the most hideous cat known to man and nobody in the family really likes him.  His fluffy grey fur is at least 4 inches long and when I go to their house I can see it floating in the air.  I can feel the hair filling up my lungs every time I speak.  (I do my best listening at their house.)  I get dressed specifically to go visiting teaching and then change when I get home. 

Howard belonged to her husband before they were married.  Her husband can't stand the cat.  He is actually allergic to cats. 

Howard's worst feature is not his fur.  It is his nose and eyes that are continuously oozing because it just so happens that Howard is allergic to humans.

When she told me they might not accept the offer to their dream home because of Howard, I felt it my duty as a visiting teacher to intervene.

I looked at the cat.  I looked at her.  I said, "If you go stick that cat out behind my tire, I'll be sure to back out quick." 

I was expecting a laugh, but the look on her face was shock and horror.  She actually covered up Howard's ears and then sent him out of the room where he could be safe.  They are moving on Friday. 

I'd like to think I was joking about running over the cat.  I've never considered myself to be a cold-blooded cat killer... but it really felt like the right thing to do.   

Completely unrelated, a few months ago we found a sick orange cat on our front porch.  Instead of lovingly bringing it inside to feed and nurse back to health, I called animal control to come take it away.  The next week at church, one of my sweet little primary sunbeams starts talking about her new orange kitten that ran away.  She misses him very much.  Poor little Ginger. 

**Disclaimer** Ginger was lying in a pool of vomit (on our doormat) and had not moved for 3 hours.  It was reported as a stray on the homeowner's website and nobody responded.   

I have no excuse for my behavior towards Howard.

The Importance of Moderately-Righteous Friends

Everyone needs a stash of friends who are righteous-but-not-perfectly-righteous.

I needed one about a year ago today when I locked myself out of my house just before leaving for church.  It wouldn't have been so bad except:

1. My house key had fallen off my key chain somewhere inside the house.

2. I'd left 8-month-old Aubrey alone in her crib.

3. My husband was already at church and had forgotten his phone that day.

4. Church was about to start any minute.  (And he's the bishop, so it's not like he can just get up and leave.)  

It's kind of a thing that people don't check at their phones during Sacrament meeting.  And that's a really good thing EXCEPT for when I desperately need someone to check their phone.  

We were down to just a few minutes before church would start, at which point my chances of reaching help would drastically decline.  I scrolled through all the ward members I had in my phone and considered which ones would not only be at church, but also be the type who might just occasionally check their phone during Sacrament meeting.   It was a shortish list (3 people), so I gathered the kids and we said a prayer that one of them would please, please, please check their phone.  

Someone did.  It's funny how things work... she isn't a church phone-checker, but she had the thought to look up the name of the little boy she was sitting next to and that's when she saw my text.  She raced up to Brian just before the meeting started, grabbed his keys and raced them back to me.  She drove up to my house laughing her head off, not at all judgmental about the fact that I'd just locked my baby in the house but vowing to tease me about it for the rest of my life.

That's what (medium-righteous) friends are for.

The Pancakes with the Syrup

I haven't met many women who haven't admitted to occasional insanity.  It's the roller coaster, the battle with emotions that go up and down and up and down, and on occasion... down, down, down.  I never know what, exactly, will trigger those traitorous tears. A lost sock.  A sock with a hole in it. Even the fact that socks exist can be extremely stressful.  

The problem with me is that when I'm down inside that dark, cavernous pit of despair, I forget about all the other times I've visited and I can never remember the way to climb back out.  Usually Brian is there and he reminds me.  You've been here before, Emily, you just don't remember.   Let me wash all the laundry and you just sit there and read a book and don't worry about socks for awhile.  I'll make blueberry pancakes for dinner with that buttermilk syrup and you don't even have to come out of your room. 

By the time I emerge from my cave I realize I've been ridiculous and my life is wonderful.  I love my family!  I love socks!  It is only every few months that the mountain of people needing things tips the teeter totter and I go flying off the handle.  Brian could probably give you a more accurate number. He never seems too surprised.    

Except the last time it tipped, he wasn't home.  He was on a business trip.  Nobody to throw me a rope and make those pancakes with the syrup.  

The moment I realized what was happening, and that help was not on the way, I collapsed to my knees.  I didn't even know what to ask for.  "Please.  Help."  A simple, desperate prayer.

Within minutes, a text buzzes on my phone.  It is my old visiting teacher, who moved away like, three years ago.  "That's who you got????" I ask Heavenly Father.  I should never doubt His methods.  

She says she's been thinking about me and she'd love to catch up.  We plan a time to talk and already I feel better.  She totally gets it.  All of it.  It feels so good to be understood!  And as we are talking, I remember a story I haven't thought of in months.

It was the night before my daughter's first day of PE at the junior high. We are roaming the endless aisles at Kohl's because the official PE uniforms aren't in yet and she just HAS to wear basketball shorts like her best friend.  I am already reliving all the insecurities of junior high and I am desperate to make it right for her.  The only basketball shorts are in the boys' section and we basically have our choice of Sponge Bob and Spiderman.  

I know we are short on time and also I have a Kohl's gift card I need to use up.  I close my eyes and say a prayer.  "Please. Help."  

We do one last sweep of the shorts section, and there, tucked between two pairs of absurdly long neon shorts, we find a completely respectable pair of navy blue basketball shorts in exactly her size.  The brand doesn't match any of the others and there is nothing else like them in the store.  

My heart filled with gratitude and thanksgiving.  I am not alone!  I don't have to do this on my own!  And then I totally forgot about the whole thing.

This is, in part, why I want to write down these experiences that are so close to my heart.  I'm sharing so I won't forget.  

And these are the pancakes with the syrup.  I like them with blueberries.  

Two Stories. One Message.

First Story:

I remember the day I found my first apartment.  It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year at BYU.  I started the search early and found the perfect place, a darling, clean little apartment close to campus.  I signed a contract and checked "find apartment" off my list.  I was like, a real grown up!

Two weeks later, I received a phone call that my new apartment wasn't going to work out.  They'd accidentally double-rented it and I needed to find somewhere else to live.  At this point, most of the housing near campus had been claimed, so I had very few options.  My carefully planned world came crashing down.  After a tearful phone call to my mom, I searched online until I found something reasonable. An older apartment complex "with a pool", it said on the listing.  It was the pool that swayed me.  I made an appointment.

When I walked inside the deteriorating building, the fresh odor of what I later described to my mom as "a petting zoo" greeted my nostrils.  During my visit to the apartment itself, which was decorated in pastel pink and blue, a friendly group of girls stopped by and invited the residents of T-10 to dinner that night.  It must be a sign.  I signed the contract.

It wasn't until later that I found out "the pool" actually belonged to the apartment complex next door and that Terrace Residents occasionally crept through the fence to swim.  My roommates and I never received another dinner invitation from friendly girls the entire two years I lived in the Terrace.  But it was in that reeking lobby that I meet two people who would change my life forever:  a boy who made my world click into place, and a girl who turned out to be the kind of friend who would spy on the boy for me at a ward party after he broke up with me.  (He ate potato chips.)

Second Story:

Fast forward 15 years.  I am sitting with the boy in a doctor's office.  We've been married 13 years and are expecting our 7th child.  The doctor says words I didn't expect.  No heartbeat.  Non-viable.  World crashes down.  Tearful phone call to mom.  The girl brings flowers.  She's been through 3 of these with me and she now lives 2 minutes away.  Our daughters attend junior high together.   She is the only person in the world I would let pack up my underwear drawer when we moved.

Three weeks later it is Columbus Day.  I'm still dealing with the after-effects of the miscarriage, but they are manageable enough that I agree to clean the temple.  It is something I'd been wanting to do and our assignment happened to be on one of those strange holidays bankers have off, so my husband could help with kids and get them to and from school.

As I sat in the orientation room in my white temple scrubs, I realized this could be a disaster.  (If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know the kind of disaster I'm talking about.)  I said a prayer.... please let this not be a disaster.  I worked a four hour shift, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, bending... by the end I could hardly walk.  But it was not a disaster.

I was so invigorated by the experience, the next day I decided I would clean MY house like that.   I vacuumed, dusted and scrubbed.  After two hours, the miscarriage was in full force.  The pain was unbearable.  The carnage could not be contained.   I started to feel like I would pass out, so I texted that boy to check on me every 15 minutes to make sure I was alive.  He dropped everything and drove straight home, keeping me on the phone the whole time except for when he was calling a babysitter.

Looking back at that moment checking in to the emergency room, I would not have claimed any relation to myself if I'd been him.... I was a bloody, sobbing mess of a person.  He not only claimed me, but knew the last four digits of my social security number.  He stayed within arm's reach of me until they could get the drugs going, pushing as hard as he could on one spot of my back to relieve the pressure until I'm sure his arms were aching.  While I was stuck in a most unladylike position as the doctor ripped out stubborn tissue with salad tongs, causing pain even morphine couldn't fix.... I stole a glance at that boy.  He winked at me.  We got this.  He bought me Cafe Rio and percocet on the way home and I started to believe him.

I am still amazed at how I didn't see it before... but he like, loves me.  Really and truly loves me, like the kind of love I've seen in the movies.  Out of this horrible and uncomfortable experience, a really good thing happened, one I never would have foreseen. I understood the depth of his love for me.  

Sometimes worlds come crashing down.  Most of the time, the new one is better.

An Angel in My Corner

On the day of Aubrey's blessing, I literally took a hundred pictures of her. She was sparkling in her little white gown that was sewn by my sister and worn by each of my daughters.  My dad vacuumed around me as I stood high up on a chair to get a better angle of her on her special day.

My 3-year-old Matthew wanted to hold her for a picture and it was finally his turn.  I set her on his lap in the rocking chair and stood back to take the picture.  I checked my screen to make sure I got a good one and when I looked back up, my tiny, two-week-old baby was hanging upside down with her head inches from the ground.

I swooped forward to scoop her up before any further damage could occur and then I banished the incident from my mind.  I didn't even tell my parents because I was too embarrassed to admit I'd been so careless.

It wasn't until the next day when I took Matthew on a walk that I asked him about what happened.  "Matthew, do you remember yesterday when Aubrey fell off the rocking chair?"  He remembered.  "You mean when she was hanging upside down, like this?" He tipped his head upside-down to demonstrate.  I nodded.  "Were you holding her dress so she wouldn't fall?" I asked him.  There must be some explanation as to why she didn't fall all the way to the ground.  He shrugged and said no, he wasn't holding her dress.  Looking back, I would have been surprised if he had..... It is slippery material and he hadn't developed quick enough reflexes to grab it in time.

As I replayed the moment in my mind, all I could see was a baby hovering, just an inch or so from the wooden runner of the rocking chair.  I wondered if her dress was maybe tucked underneath Matthew's legs, anchoring her to the chair, but in the picture of her sitting on his lap I could see it was not.  In my haste to save her, I didn't notice anything unusual, but now I know some special angel was watching out for her that day, holding her for just those few seconds and keeping her perfect little head safe from harm.

Try as I might, I can't think of any other explanation, and I'm not sure I'd want to.  With this many children to raise, I could definitely use an angel or two in my corner.

Biscuits and Gravy

Have you ever forgotten everything you like to do?

Have you ever woken up and decided there is nothing to look forward to?

I think it might be part of being a grown up, to have days like that. Or months. Today I've been trying to remember the things I like. I know I liked doing puzzles as a child, but that's really a terrible hobby for a person living with a one-year-old.

 I was reading this blog by a grandma who only blogs once or twice a month. She takes a vacation to the same magical place every summer where she spends eight days reading and eating and walking along the beach. Her posts are my favorite. I have no idea who she is but when I read her writing I feel.... normal. Like I know her and she would totally understand that it is completely acceptable to cry when milk is spilled. She also includes recipes occasionally.  Right now she is remodeling her house because it smells like old people.

Last week, I introduced my children to the concept of Comfort Food. It is food you liked as a child that someday you will want again because it reminds you of home. Not fancy foods. It might be the meal you would have chosen on your birthday. They were fascinated by this concept. Megan is already speculating what her comfort foods will be. She is sure it will be oatmeal with flax seed and cinnamon.

Today I was reading about my favorite blogger's annual vacation (her name is Patti) and I remembered one other thing I liked to do besides puzzles. I just wanted to write about whatever I want, without trying too hard. I didn't know if I would remember how but it seems to be going ok. I made my childhood birthday meal for dinner and started a blog. I feel better already.

Buttermilk Biscuits (One of two recipes I use regularly from the giant cookbook called Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone)

2 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoons salt
6 tablespoons butter
1 cup buttermilk

Preheat the oven to 450.  Lightly grease a sheet pan and set it aside.

Combine the dry ingredients in a bowl and cut in the butter until the mixture looks like coarse meal.  Pour in the buttermilk and stir it with a fork until the dry ingredients are evenly moistened.  Lightly flour the counter, turn out the dough, and pat it into a circle about 3/4 inch thick.  Cut into rounds or another shape. Reassemble the scraps and cut them out as well.  Bake the biscuits on the sheet pan until light brown, 15 minutes.

If you are feeling nostalgic, you can top them with tuna gravy and serve them with a side of peas.